Saturday, November 25, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: ACC Football relegated to NAIA status

After careful consideration of a large collection of evidence, some of which is outlined below, the NCAA voted to expel Atlantic Coast Conference football from their entire collegiate affiliation this evening. The National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics (NAIA) agreed to add the conference to it's membership on the condition that "none of that bullcrap displayed in 2006 is repeated next year", as stated in the NAIA press release picked up off the wires just 30 minutes ago.

EVIDENTIARY HIGHLIGHTS, RE: NCAA's DECISION TO EXPEL ACC FOOTBALL
Exhibit 06-001
The ACC's 2006 overall out-of-conference record vs. 1-A competition: 21-18

Exhibit 06-002
The ACC's 2006 out-of-conference record vs. BCS conference teams: 4-12
*Addendum: 3 of the 4 wins were by Wake Forest

Exhibit 06-019
Number of teams in the BCS Top 10 as of 11/26/06: 0

Exhibit 06-020
Number of teams in the BCS Top 20 as of 11/26/06: 2
*Addendum: That's out of 12 league teams, folks

Exhibit 06-024
For providing aid, comfort, and evidence to that certain motley group of SEC fanatics who neither attended the campus of their team of choice, nor could actually find said campus on a map. That collective, when previously presented with actual hard evidence that the ACC was quite competitive with the SEC, usually closed their somewhat intoxicated arguments with a confounded "You can stick your 'facts' up your ass, you pansy son of a bitch". Now, they are able to retort smugly with "ACC 2006", and ACC defenders are mandated to shut the hell up.

Exhibit 06-044
The sociopathic aversion to anything resembling "offense" in the league. Eight of the conference's 12 teams are ranked lower than 85th in total offense. Just two ACC clubs are currently ranked in the top 60. Only one is ranked in the Top 40.
*Addendum: Before you even ask, half of the ACC teams ranked lower than 40th in total defense, so yes, offense in the ACC in '06 was an abomination any way you look at it

Exhibit 06-067
The Georgia Tech program - the Coastal Division winner - for their criminal mishandling of Calvin Johnson, and for the slow death spiral that is Reggie Ball's career.

Exhibit 06-072
The Clemson program, for their evolution from early-season choke artists to their new and improved reputation as late-season gaggers.

Exhibit 06-073
The Florida State program, for all the soap opera horsecrap with the otherwise unemployable boss's kid.

Exhibit 06-079
Miami.

Exhibit 06-080
Duke.

Exhibit 06-084
The obvious extortion and blackmail on the part of John Bunting against the athletic department at UNC. Only hard evidence of the foulest, most perverse, and horrific misdeeds performed inside that department could have warranted such an incompetent boob returning as head coach for this '06 season. The fact that the UNC security force was apparently able to locate said evidence and destroy it, thereby resulting in Johnny Cakes' termination in October, does not mitigate the gravity of this scandal.

Exhibit 06-087
Chuck Amato.

Exhibit 06-092
The collective shrug that accompanies any mention of Maryland, Boston College or Virginia football.

Exhibit 06-099
Karma's a bitch, suckers.
*Addendum: exhibit submitted by Big East commish Mike Tranghese

1 comment:

mobius said...

Seriously, how did it get THIS bad??? Thank God the league is finally addressing some of the coaching shortcomings, but how long until we get back to where we were last year?