Mission: Extremely Possible

Tomorrow's assignment, which I have chosen to accept:

--Awake at the crack of 8am

--Much coffee

--Avoid ESPN GameDay, ESPN Radio, ESPN.com, ESPN-nanobot-in-my-brain like the plague

--Bid the beloved wife farewell as her eyes (justifiably) roll through the back of her skull like a malfunctioning slot machine as I explain the day's endeavor

--Leisurely drive to the Raymond James Stadium metroplex (a trip of approximately 30 minutes on weekends, or 4.63 millenia on weekdays)

--Park in some kindly second-generation Cuban immigrant's (or some douchebaggy fifth-generation redneck's) front yard for $5, several blocks from the stadium

--Immerse myself in all that is the ACC Fanfest. And then get beer. Lots.

--Deface any likeness of Chris Fowler I find within 12 parsecs of the stadium

--Attempt to acquire an upper-level sideline ticket for under $10, or lower-level sideline ticket for $25 max, whichever comes first

--Snag a lower-level sideline ticket for $5 fifteen minutes before kickoff, from a desperate and smarmy scalper with a promise that he'll wash and wax my car during the game

--Sit in the upper level anyway because I need my space

--Hand count the actual attendance from my lofty perch and compare with the ACC/KGB's "official report"

--Enjoy said game

--Halftime = nap time!

--Take pics of said game

--Avoid the post-game concert like it's Chernobyl '86

--Make it home in one piece so I can bore you to tears with my game recap, or forget to post an update altogether

--Pass out

This post will self-destruct in...alright, you get it, let's not beat the theme to death here.

I Do Not Like Green Eggs & Ham

The Cal Bears would be wise to immediately remove the aforementioned Dr. Seuss staple from their pre-game breakfast menu. Why, pray tell? Because their very own Jahvid Best regurgitated said meal on national television after getting tattooed by Maryland defensive back Kevin Barnes in the 2nd quarter of the Terps' 35-27 upset last Saturday.

If you get all "Stand By Me" upon viewing upchuck footage (particularly of the greenish-hue variety), do not watch the below video clip - or at least stop it prior to the 0:51 mark.



The good news is that Best returned to the game and played most of the second half, so no permanent damage was done. I hope.

Mercifully Brief Olympic and Pop Culture Observations

---NBA fans may have recognized that Celtics reserve Sam Cassell's Chinese love-child competed in the women's all-around gymnastics final this evening. Cassell-Yang Yilin won the bronze medal after Americans Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson walked away with the gold and silver. Nonetheless, Sammy has to be gushing with pride tonight.


What a year for the Cassell clan! Wait......what?

---I happily admit that I've always thought of Alanis Morissette's blubbering as overrated, self-indulgent pap. And now it's been revealed that the inspiration for her psychotic "You Oughta Know" screed was none other than Full House's Dave Coulier. No joke. Mrs. Ed just plummeted several stories on the "hipster cool" (or however the kids say it nowadays) skyscraper.


Cut...it...out. So sayeth the muse.

ACC Refs: Incompetent? You Bet. But They're a Hoot at Parties.

If Ron Cherry wasn't the worst referee in the history of competitive sports, I guess I'd find this a bit funnier. Nonetheless, this was a most unusual call from Saturday's Maryland-N.C. State game...


The "business" will cost you 15 yards every time

About Last Saturday (and Thursday)...

MIAMI 34 - TEXAS A&M 17
The Hurricanes notched perhaps the biggest perception-altering victory of the weekend with their beatdown of the Aggies. Miami completely flipped the tables in this win...their much maligned offense confused and then sped right past the A&M defense, while the highly touted Aggie offense appeared as if they were moving in quicksand against the Cane defense. A much needed, feel-good, recruit-impressing evening all-around for The U.

USF 37 - NORTH CAROLINA 10
Despite the 1-2 start for Butch Davis' crew in '07, there were some real positives to look at and even some semblance of hope for the remainder of the season. Gone. The Bulls are every bit a Top 20 club, but for the Heels to look like John Bunting was back in charge was highly disconcerting. TJ Yates finally looked like the true freshman that he is (11 for 27, 4 picks) and he received no help from his teammates on either side of the ball. The Heels are lucky USF went on cruise control in the 4th quarter or the score could've been really Bunting-esque.

VIRGINIA 28 - GEORGIA TECH 23
"Oh come on! This is getting to be ri-g@ddamn-diculous!" - Frank Vitchard in Anchorman (and yes, there appears to be a theme going on here this week).

The ACC does this every freaking year. One (or more) potential contenders for the league title and/or Top 25 status will drop an enormous pile of excrement on the field in a non-conference game (see: Virginia vs. Wyoming), only to "find themselves" in time to knock off a few conference teams in a row (see: Virginia vs. Duke/UNC/Georgia Tech). Yet, they're still defined by the stinkstack they left in the non-conference game. Meanwhile, another ACC team makes a big splash into Top 25 status and conference championship talk (see: Georgia Tech in weeks 1 and 2), then lays an egg on national television (see: GT vs. BC) and the rest of the season subsequently caves in. Result: poor perception of the league and a dearth of ranked teams. The Hoo-Jacket game this year is just another chapter in this unaltering, tragic epic.


Virginia slices off Georgia Tech's season to spite the ACC's reputation

CLEMSON 42 - N.C. STATE 20
Now this was the game I had pegged as part of the ACC-destroying-itself-from-within saga, and happily for the league, I was wrong on a grand scale. The final score doesn't really do justice to the Tigers' domination (608 yards to 202 yards; 3 Pack turnovers to Clemson's 0; the Tigers knocking two State QBs out of the game). The Harper/Davis/Spiller trifecta of terror appears to have been fully unleashed, just in time to face the armless Yellow Jacket squad in Atlanta next Saturday. Oh, and despite the Wolfpack's embarassingly woeful showing against the Tigers, they have the perfect remedy for hapless football programs next week...Louisville!


Odd post-game scene in the N.C. State locker room when notified of their next opponent (I'm told that's Tom O'Brien in the cowboy hat)

NAVY 46 - DUKE 43
I'm stunned that Duke scored 43 points. FSU hasn't done it yet (and they played UAB). Miami hasn't done it yet (and they played Marshall and FIU). The last-second loss to the Middies obviously has to sting a bit, but with the losing-streak albatross gone, it's clear that the Blue Devils are a team with some seriously renewed vigor. They're ripe to knock off a dispirited Georgia Tech, UNC, or Notre Dame squad if any of those teams come into their meeting with Ted Roof's troops on auto-pilot. Hmmmmm, Duke over Notre Dame, in South Bend...allow an ACC guy to dream for a minute.

BOSTON COLLEGE 37 - ARMY 17
In a weekend when the Florida Tebows nearly cacked away their entire season at Ole Miss, it's fairly easy to forgive Boston College for a less than stellar first half against Army. The yardage the Eagles piled up by the end of the game was quite impressive (573 to be exact, 356 courtesy of the golden right arm of Matt Ryan), but the real chink out of this one has to be Ryan's 2 interceptions....that's 5 for the season and that has him currently buried at #42 nationally in passing efficiency. The TDs and yardage are very nice, but the picks have got to stop if Matty Ice is to make a downtown NYC appearance in December.

VIRGINIA TECH 44 - WILLIAM & MARY 3
In a week when my prognostication prowess was sorely tested, I must thank the Hokies for allowing yours truly to look like a college football oracle for a brief and fleeting moment. As for the Hokies, all is not sunshine and lollipops, as they still couldn't get the running game out of first gear (133 yards, 3.5ypc) and they were penalized a ridiculous 11 times...against a mediocre 1-AA squad. The defense was OK but surrendered waaaay too many passing yards (243) to Tribe QB Jake Phillips.

WAKE FOREST 31 - MARYLAND 24 (OT)
It's funny how one play can not only change a game, but a season, and potentially entire careers. Just such a play occurred late in the third quarter of this dandy little matchup, as Maryland - in the midst of a methodical 24-3 domination of Wake Forest - tried to get a little too cute on the Deacon 1-yard line by throwing into the endzone. Instead of a touchdown grab that would put the Terps up by 4 TDs, the pass was picked off and returned 100 yards the other way for a Wake touchdown, igniting a Demon Deacon rally and possibly the ample seat on which Ralph Friedgen plants his keister. Wake is a team reborn, while the Terps are now just kind-of all hollow inside.


The secret of Wake's success? Jim Grobe's post-game fondue parties

Names I'm So Very Sick of Typing

Let it be known that I'm somewhat of a dyslexic typist. I tend to type at turbo speed, so practically every other word has a transposed letter or two that ultimately gets fixed in the editing process. Nonetheless, there are certain words and names that just come out wrong no matter how careful and deliberate I am, such as....

agraeg...now, I usually don't find cause to use the word "garage" in a blog that focuses on ACC football, but I do tend to use that word in my real job, and that's how it comes out on my first go around when I type it.

chractaer...I suppose the word "character" could make an appearance in this blog, but it hasn't yet that I recall. Again, it's a word I use frequently in my real job and invariably that's how it pops up on my monitor every damn time I type it out when I'm full speed word processing.

seomhwat...now this is a word I use a lot in both blog and real-job, and this one is just a mental defect. My brain must really think somewhat is spelled "seomhwat". To spell it correctly just now, I had to stop and punch out each key like it's the first time I've encountered a keyboard.

Anyway, that's just to give you an idea of what I go through when typing and spellchecking this here blog. Now, on to the names that torture my soul...

Michael Tauiliili
I freaking hate this guy. I invariably wind up typing something like Michael Tualulilli, Michael Tiulialiil, Michael Tutulilli, Michael Turaluralura, etc. It actually gives me a headache to see so many "i"s within such close proximity.

Jameel Sewell
Every single damn time it comes out Jamell Seewell. Even when I concentrate, the fingers still unleash that configuration. Thank God that "Jamell" and "Seewell" apparently aren't common-use names and invariably get highlighted in the ol' blogger spell-check.

Jeff Jagodzinski
Not as difficult, but one that always comes out wrong on the first draft. It usually appears as Jagdozkinksi or something like that.

Xavier Adibi
Always, always, the fingers punch out Abidi.

Gary Cismesia
Getting better with this one. But, he still goes by Csmiesai on occasion.

Darrius Heyward-Bey
Hyphenated names are always a problem, especially when each name has a somewhat unique spelling. Draaius Heywayrd-Bey is how this one usually appears before editing.

Vince Oghobaase
This one is a copy-and-paste job every time. I know when to say when.

The guy who played Adebisi on "Oz" and Mr. Eko on "Lost"
OK, so I don't actually ever have to type his name here...but his cruelty toward Hollywood reporters and bloggers in keeping that name is unforgivable. Bastard.

A Few Quick Notes on Team Previews

--For those looking for long, in depth, thesis-length previews, you will be disappointed with mine. I'm not going to tell you much more than the folks at Athlon's, Lindy's, Sporting News, CFN, and Phil Steele already have. Here, you'll get concise, knowledgeable (well, mostly), possibly witty, and very opinionated outlooks. You should be able to digest my previews in a matter of minutes, so you can quickly go back to your spreadsheet when your boss makes his rounds near your cubicle and he or she will be none the wiser. Try getting away with that if you read one of MGoBlog's excellent catechism-length previews. Exactly.

--I will be projecting each team's probable wins, losses, as well as some I-don't-have-a-clue games. Just because I predict Team A to knock off Team B does not mean that I think Team A is the flat-out better team. Other factors such as when the game is played, where the game is played, and who those teams face before and after, play a crucial role. And the accursed Thursday Night Factor is probably going to screw everything up anyway.

--Keep in mind that 4 ACC teams (Boston College, Miami, North Carolina, N.C. State) have brand new coaching staffs this season, with a 5th club (Florida State) sporting 5 new faces on the sideline for 2007. That's a hefty percentage of the league in which I can't use past performance as a solid basis for this year's outlook. Just covering my ass here if and when some of these previews turn out to be near-slanderous.

--Forgive any seemingly careless mistakes that may appear in a preview, such as listing a player as returning this season, when in fact said player left the team in June because he accidentally sliced off three toes in a freak street-luge mishap. I try to stay well informed on each program, but if I goof something up, let me know and please have mercy on my soul.


Strictly forbidden offseason activity

Wake Forest-Georgia Tech Equivalent

Before nearly dropping dead today of heat exhaustion while mowing my lawn with the lamest mower in the history of grass (advisory: do not ever buy this piece of suck), I was thinking of how disappointing the 2006 ACC Championship Game was, and what little interest and buzz there was surrounding it.

My quickly melting brain then pondered....What would be the equivalent matchup in an SEC or Big 12 title game? A historical doormat vs. a traditionally good - but not consistently great - program? I thought of a few, but some of those still don't seem to equate, for two reasons: 1) while Wake Forest has been a traditional doormat, they've at least had a competitive pulse for much of the last 10 years, and there's another complete and total patsy in the conference (that would be Duke); 2) while Georgia Tech has an excellent football tradition, and has won a national title more recently than Auburn, Georgia, Penn State, and Notre Dame, they simply don't have the sex appeal, national following - and most importantly, rabid alumni base - that those powers have.

So, rather than let that thought melt away in the 97-degree Florida summer heat, I figured I'd still try to posit a few somewhat reasonable comparisons....mainly because I need to see this thought all the way through, and I really need to start posting more entries in this here blog.

SEC Equivalents
Vanderbilt vs. Ole Miss
Vanderbilt vs. Arkansas
Kentucky vs. Ole Miss
Kentucky vs. Arkansas

Georgia Tech really has no equivalent in the SEC East...Florida, Georgia and Tennessee have much larger followings and have been better programs over the last few decades. South Carolina has a better statewide following but comically less tradition, and Kentucky and Vanderbilt are, well, Kentucky and Vanderbilt. They have two general equivalents in the SEC West in Arkansas and Ole Miss, although it's fair to say that the Jackets have been better over the last decade or so than the Hogs or Rebels. Tech is not equivalent to Alabama, Auburn or LSU for obvious reasons, and is obviously better and more highly regarded than Mississippi State.

Wake Forest has two general equivalents in the SEC East in Vandy and Kentucky, although Kentucky has about eight times the enrollment and exponentially more alumni and following than the Deacs. Wake has one real equivalent in the the SEC West in Mississippi State, but again lacks the local appeal, but not necessarily the national appeal, of the Cowbell Nation.

Big 12 Equivalents
Baylor vs. Colorado
Baylor vs. Kansas State
Iowa State vs. Texas A&M

Big 12 North equivalent to Wake: Iowa State, purely based on winning percentage, certainly not local following. Big 12 South equivalent to Wake: Baylor...although Wake has been much, much better on the field the last several years, the type of school is as close to Wake as any other in any major conference.

Big 12 North equivalent to GT: Kansas State and Colorado (the Jackets' co-national champ in '90), and that's based only on the last 15-20 years. Nebraska has clearly been stronger historically, while Iowa State, Kansas and Missouri have been worse and less regarded than the Ramblin' Wreck. Big 12 South equivalent to GT: Texas A&M....again, not perfect, but close. A&M is still a bigger name nationally, but the Jackets have been better recently and have a similarly regarded history. Oklahoma and Texas are obviously better, while Texas Tech, Oklahoma State and Baylor are worse to varying degrees.

Ehhhhhh. Maybe this wasn't such a great topic after all. Wake is too small a school in comparison to, well, nearly all 119 1-A programs, and Tech, while winning the national title in 1990, has been stuck in just-barely-sub-Top 25, Dec. 28-ish bowl status for the entire Dubya Bush administration.

That said, bashing the 2006 ACC Championship Game is perfectly fair, especially when you consider how poor a game it turned out to be. I'd sure as hell eviscerate a 9-6 snoozer between Kansas State and Baylor in a half-empty stadium in St. Louis, wouldn't you?


This SEC Championship Game, sponsored by Lame-O

BREAKING NEWS: ACC Football relegated to NAIA status

After careful consideration of a large collection of evidence, some of which is outlined below, the NCAA voted to expel Atlantic Coast Conference football from their entire collegiate affiliation this evening. The National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics (NAIA) agreed to add the conference to it's membership on the condition that "none of that bullcrap displayed in 2006 is repeated next year", as stated in the NAIA press release picked up off the wires just 30 minutes ago.

EVIDENTIARY HIGHLIGHTS, RE: NCAA's DECISION TO EXPEL ACC FOOTBALL
Exhibit 06-001
The ACC's 2006 overall out-of-conference record vs. 1-A competition: 21-18

Exhibit 06-002
The ACC's 2006 out-of-conference record vs. BCS conference teams: 4-12
*Addendum: 3 of the 4 wins were by Wake Forest

Exhibit 06-019
Number of teams in the BCS Top 10 as of 11/26/06: 0

Exhibit 06-020
Number of teams in the BCS Top 20 as of 11/26/06: 2
*Addendum: That's out of 12 league teams, folks

Exhibit 06-024
For providing aid, comfort, and evidence to that certain motley group of SEC fanatics who neither attended the campus of their team of choice, nor could actually find said campus on a map. That collective, when previously presented with actual hard evidence that the ACC was quite competitive with the SEC, usually closed their somewhat intoxicated arguments with a confounded "You can stick your 'facts' up your ass, you pansy son of a bitch". Now, they are able to retort smugly with "ACC 2006", and ACC defenders are mandated to shut the hell up.

Exhibit 06-044
The sociopathic aversion to anything resembling "offense" in the league. Eight of the conference's 12 teams are ranked lower than 85th in total offense. Just two ACC clubs are currently ranked in the top 60. Only one is ranked in the Top 40.
*Addendum: Before you even ask, half of the ACC teams ranked lower than 40th in total defense, so yes, offense in the ACC in '06 was an abomination any way you look at it

Exhibit 06-067
The Georgia Tech program - the Coastal Division winner - for their criminal mishandling of Calvin Johnson, and for the slow death spiral that is Reggie Ball's career.

Exhibit 06-072
The Clemson program, for their evolution from early-season choke artists to their new and improved reputation as late-season gaggers.

Exhibit 06-073
The Florida State program, for all the soap opera horsecrap with the otherwise unemployable boss's kid.

Exhibit 06-079
Miami.

Exhibit 06-080
Duke.

Exhibit 06-084
The obvious extortion and blackmail on the part of John Bunting against the athletic department at UNC. Only hard evidence of the foulest, most perverse, and horrific misdeeds performed inside that department could have warranted such an incompetent boob returning as head coach for this '06 season. The fact that the UNC security force was apparently able to locate said evidence and destroy it, thereby resulting in Johnny Cakes' termination in October, does not mitigate the gravity of this scandal.

Exhibit 06-087
Chuck Amato.

Exhibit 06-092
The collective shrug that accompanies any mention of Maryland, Boston College or Virginia football.

Exhibit 06-099
Karma's a bitch, suckers.
*Addendum: exhibit submitted by Big East commish Mike Tranghese

New FSU Offensive Coordinator Announced

That was fast!

A curious choice...but not a surprising one

Remaining on John Swofford's Office Wall

As I revealed here two weeks ago, my inside sources informed me that John Swofford had placed an order with one of those corporate-motivational-poster companies to encompass his pride in his new and expanded ACC.

Allow me to redisplay his coveted framed piece here once more, because it sadly rings very true.....



Please note the subtitle of the piece -- "Possibly Better Than The Sun Belt". To the ACC's credit, I think we can remove "possibly" from that thought, but just barely.

Three different ACC clubs have played three different Sun Belt squads in 4 separate games so far this season - all at the ACC team's home field. The results are as follows:

Florida State 24 - Troy 17
Maryland 24 - Middle Tennessee 10
Georgia Tech 35 - Troy 20
Maryland 14 - Florida International 10

Since those matchups noted above, Troy managed to hold Nebraska to just eight touchdowns in a 56-0 squeaker, while Middle Tennessee played toe-to-toe with Oklahoma for approximately four minutes last Saturday in a 59-0 nailbiter. The combined margin of victory of the ACC schools over the Sun Belt schools (40) did not quite match Oklahoma's margin over Middle Tennessee in the first half of their matchup (45).

And the Big XII is supposedly having a "down" year on par with the ACC?

Alas, if your ACC spirit hasn't yet been stomped into powdery despair, tune in Thursday for the week 5 preview.

"And the world turned upside down..."

For your amusement, the ACC Atlantic Division standings as of today:

Wake Forest (1-0 ACC, 4-0 Overall)
NC State (1-0, 2-2)
Clemson (2-1, 3-1)
Maryland (0-0, 3-1)
Boston College (1-1, 3-1)
Florida State (1-1, 3-1)

Good morning!

An Interesting Discovery

TALLAHASSEE, FL- Cleaning crews found what was believed to be a portion of the Florida State offensive playbook on Saturday night that, according to the custodians, must have fallen under the table in the coaches' box sometime during that evening's 27-20 loss to Clemson.

Sources inside the Seminole athletic department admitted, on condition of anonymity, that the "portion" was in fact the entire playbook, better known in team circles as "The Four".

Despite pleas from the FSU coaching staff, the playbook can be seen in the below photograph.

R.I.P. ACC Football

What is there to say? A league once so full of promise, having recently been enriched, has now suffered an untimely demise. The causes are not yet known but will be investigated right here on this page in the upcoming weeks and months.

All kidding aside, the results of last weekend have led me to just scrap my usual weekly recap. Each ACC club basically boils down to four different categories, and their results usually follow suit: the good (Virginia Tech, Boston College, Clemson), the well-meaning mediocre (Georgia Tech, Maryland, Wake Forest), the incompetently mediocre (Florida State, Miami) and the sucktacular (NC State, North Carolina, Virginia, Duke).

Just how bad is the league this year? For starters, the ACC's out of conference record stands at a paltry 15-9 (.625), with seven of those matchups - and one of the defeats - against 1-AA schools. But numbers don't do it justice...a list of the opponents should make it a bit clearer as to the gravity of the situation (* indicates 1-AA opponent).

Out-of-conference wins
Appalachian State*, 23-10 (NCSU)
BYU, 30-23 2OT (BC)
@Central Michigan, 31-24 (BC)
@Connecticut, 24-13 (Wake)
Florida Atlantic, 54-6 (Clemson)
Florida A&M*, 51-10 (Miami)
Furman*, 45-42 (UNC)
Middle Tennessee, 24-10 (UMd)
Northeastern*, 38-0 (VT)
Samford*, 38-6 (GT)
Syracuse, 20-10 (Wake)
Troy, 35-20 (GT)
Troy, 24-17 (FSU)
William & Mary*, 27-14 (UMd)
Wyoming, 13-12 OT (UVA)

A real murderer's row. Not one ranked team, just a single 1-A team with a winning record (Middle Tenn.), and six of the wins over 1-AA foes. And let's not forget Troy, Furman, Wyoming, BYU, and Central Michigan all came thisclose to pulling off ginormous upsets. The best win would appear to be BC's 2-OT home victory over 1-2 BYU. But the losses are what I find much more telling....

Out-of-conference losses
Akron, 17-20 (NCSU)
@Louisville, 7-31 (Miami)
Notre Dame, 10-14 (GT)
@Pitt, 13-38 (UVA)
Richmond*, 0-13 (Duke)
Rutgers, 16-21 (UNC)
@Southern Miss, 17-37 (NCSU)
@West Virginia, 24-45 (UMd)
Western Michigan, 10-17 (UVA)

See if you can detect a similarity among 4 of the above clubs.....that's right, 4 of those teams all come from a certain conference that just so happened to have been ransacked by the ACC just three short years ago. And three of those 4 losses to the Big Beast this year are what I would classify as the de-pantsing variety.

A quick rundown of the other major conferences' out-of-league records reveals the following:

Big Ten: 27-6 (.818)
Big East: 13-5 (.722)
Pac-10: 18-7 (.720)
SEC: 15-6 (.714)
Big XII: 25-11 (.694)

None of the above leagues aside from the Big XII has faced more than four 1-AA opponents each. Each league but the Big XII has at least one signature win as well (Big Ten- Ohio State over Texas, Michigan over Notre Dame; Big East- Louisville over Miami; Pac 10- USC over Nebraska, Oregon "over" Oklahoma; SEC- Tennessee over Cal).

So that clearly leaves the ACC and Big XII in a plummet to last in the major conference standings. And just based on winning percentage and having a conference member getting shut-out by a 1-AA school, I think the ACC went splat first.

Whatever voodoo Big East commish Mike Tranghese levied against the ACC, 'tis working. Payback is a bitch.

Coming Soon to John Swofford's Office Wall

*Apologies to Virginia Tech, Boston College, Clemson, and to a lesser extent Georgia Tech, who have generously managed not to mortally embarrass the conference so far this season

Oh Why The Hell Not...."On Notice" ACC Style

In the midst of rampaging through the blogosphere like Ralph Friedgen at an ACC media days lunch buffet, the Stephen Colbert "On Notice" board pauses for a breath to deliver an ACC-style list: